My substance use was so progressive. And the more I tried to make a change, the worse it got. When I think about the stigma on myself, I reacted and I was unable to get through certain things without a substance. And I saw other people around me getting through things and the stigma on myself was ‘I'm a bad person. I'm a bad mother. What's wrong with me? I should be able to do this.’ Physically and mentally, I was not okay. My relationship with my family, work, everything had deteriorated. I had lost the will to keep going. I hit a tree, and when I climbed out of that car, that's when I realized I can't do this anymore, but I don't know how not to. And it was that moment when I surrendered to the fact that there had to be another way because this was going to lead to death or more suffering.

I went to inpatient treatment for the first time at 38 years old, and through that process I was able to detox and then to really look at my past. Look at myself and really pick up some life skills, coping skills. That is when I learned about dual diagnosis and mental illness and how alcoholism addiction and mental illness can go hand in hand.

It was an opportunity to reach out and to talk to others and realize I'm not alone. When I left inpatient treatment, I continued on this path towards recovery, and through that process I realized that it is not a quick fix. There's so much growth through the process and on the journey. And even after seven and a half years in recovery, there's some things that I'm like, "Okay, this growth process is ongoing." Through the recovery process, I gained purpose.

The recovery community has become my family. I have a connection with individuals today like I've never had before. In a life of feeling disconnected, I finally feel connected to individuals who can identify with things I've been through. I feel connected to a group of people who have experienced what I have. And I think there's strength in that. I'm very blessed to have them. Recovery offers a new way of life. A new support system like you never experienced. And it offers hope. When someone can acknowledge the reality of your feelings without trying to change them it becomes something different. And there is a community of people who want to help others, who want to lift you up and know what it's like to suffer and there is another way.

I just want people to know, "No, we haven't written you off. I haven't written you off. You're important." Just to hear some of the stories. It’s important for people to tell their story. You know, nobody's been willing to listen and I think that's important because once I was able to tell my story and someone listened, it was a game changer.

« Previous Story | Next Story »