I can tell you my story today because I have done extensive work on myself and identifying what led me down the path I went down. I had some childhood trauma when I was 12 and I had no support. I didn't learn any coping skills. And what I know now is that I bottled up my pain, and I shoved it way down deep. I isolated, I shut down at school and nobody ever noticed.

I drank socially and I can identify now that I was a blackout drinker. I always drank to feel fast. It wasn't until my marriage failed [that my substance use escalated.] I was a stay-at-home mom and my kids were my focus. I didn't know who I was when I wasn't with them. And the next person I became involved with introduced me to drugs. That's how I learned how to deal without having my kids. I would get blackout drunk or high every other weekend when I didn't have them. I wouldn't have to fill the time when they weren't there. And so, I would party all weekend and I would sober up just in time for them to get home. And then my regular life would continue. This turned into a very reckless cycle. I was putting myself into really bad situations. I was raped. I was beaten.

I used to pray to God every night to die and I didn't even have faith at that time. I just knew there was something out there that could take away my pain and I couldn't do it myself.

Self-stigma was a huge barrier for me to find recovery, because trauma wasn't spoken about in the generation prior to me. I didn't understand that there were other women who had been sexually abused. I didn't understand that there were other women who lost their children. There were other women who were victims of domestic violence. I knew the difference between right and wrong. And that's what prevented me from getting sober because when I would start to have clarity and I would start to feel that guilt, I didn't know what to do with it.

I got home and I still don't know how this happened, but there was a pamphlet for AA meetings on my coffee table. I still can't tell you how it got there. I walked down to a local AA group and it was the first time I walked into a place and I didn't feel judged. And other people shared with me their experiences and I didn't feel alone. Their hope and their laughter was contagious. The 12 step group honestly saved my life. I didn't stay sober right away, but I collected a little bit of time. I collected the fellowship. I was gaining information.

And by the grace of God, I have been sober since August 1st, 2015. I've learned a new way to guide my family. I've learned skills to share with others. I bought my own home last year, a home for all of us, that's safe and loving. I'm an active member of society. There's so many blessings because I found recovery. I don't have to self-medicate anymore. I was trying to mask the shame and the guilt, but what I didn't understand is I was also covering up all the love and the joy. My journey led me to where it led me so that I can help others. Today, I can honestly say I like who I am. I admire who I am. I'm resilient. I'm strong. I'm a leader, an educator, a role model. Because I'm open and honest about my struggles, whether it's substance use disorder, mental health, anxiety, depression, there's nothing wrong with me. I was a sick person trying to get well.

Taysa’s daughter Ryleigh:

So as Mom was finding her recovery, I was headed in the opposite direction. But as Mom got better, she showed us that using your story and sharing your story openly, you gain respect, you can help others. So that made me want to do the same. Everyone deserves a chance to be the happiest and healthiest version of themselves. But since it was running in the family, I never really understood that I had the chance to do that. I had the chance for myself to be happy and sober and healthy.

Taysa’s daughter Alyssa:

I've seen [drinking and drugs] my whole life. Everyone did it; I thought it was normal. My self-stigma was more being ashamed to admit that I wanted to be done, that I didn't want drink and smoke anymore because I didn't want to end up where my mom was. And I knew I was worth help. I knew my mom would help me because she's done it before. [People in recovery] are very inspirational, and I to look up to them because they've dug themselves out of the deepest, darkest trenches and turned it into something amazingly beautiful. They're the biggest support system and the nicest people you ever meet in your entire life.

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